Tina: Tonight was CJ's turn to blog, but I feel like I need to add something. We said this blog is about documenting our lives, so here's to full on documenting (an awakenings). Heads up--this is going to be a bit of an essay, an excerpt from my journal word-for-word. I often have these existential, what is the meaning of life freak outs and I've come up with a new year solution: I will buy myself one of those really nice overpriced city smoothie's when I get to 5 freak outs or "spirals" (as I call them) that I bounce myself back from. It is a great reward system because I really want one of those smoothies haha. It sounds silly but whatever works, right?
I feel a bit strange sharing my journal entry with the Internet world and hope that I am not sourly judged for my current truth. I'm going to brush my own doubt aside and reveal my process of spiraling and working myself out of it (for the sake of documenting this journey).
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"Maybe I should avoid the Internet. Maybe not. Maybe I need to make all of my connections face to face. Who knows. I am searching. I will find it. Its going to be ok. Maybe working out will help. Give me energy. Motivate strength and fire to fight. Maybe Detroit isn't about fighting, it's about embracing. MAYBE IT ISN'T ABOUT ANSWERS, ITS ABOUT STORIES.
If it was about stories (should I stop trying to find answers?) what would I do? Do things that generated stories? Write essays? Talk to God? LIve instead of spending time on the Internet.
My hands are dry and already look like an old woman's. Knuckles swollen. Small palms. Short fingers. Chipped purple nails that I've already painted twice. Tomorrow I am going to write and create my own happiness and meaning. If I am a tree and I fall in the woods, do I make a sound to anyone but myself? Do i make a sound because I say so or because I fell? Does falling actually make a sound or does it require others to notice the fall to confirm? I sound like Beckett. Delicious.
The girl next door is watching one of those real crime shows where they do fake replays of the scene of the crime with bad actors from the 80's. Someone is crying.
I am pulling myself out of this. God is with me. That's interesting. How about God creates meaning? Maybe that's how Mako would feel. I feel silly for creation because I give it meaning so what could it mean. Maybe he would say that it has meaning because of God. Because he loves you. Because we are his blood, his children. Maybe my art has meaning not because I say so, but because God says so. Maybe when a tree falls in the woods it makes a sound because God hears it. That means more than anything in the world.
So maybe if I put more faith in God or opened myself up more maybe it would be easier to accept the meaning of things that feel meaningless because he is there. I have to believe he knows. He hears and he sees. Maybe I have to think about God in relation to 'my passion', 'my fire'. What would God want to see or hear or taste or touch from me? It's not about me finding what makes me special, I already am when I hear him. Maybe? How does that sound? Culty? Searching for my purpose thru God. I got this far thru writing. This is working for now. I can feel him in this empty room of a notebook. It feels just as vast as the forest, except now I think he's listening."
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